I remember begin a little girl and
the only thing in the world that would make me feel better was a hug from my
mom. As of yesterday, May 1, 2017, I won’t be able to hug her any more.
When my ex-husband drove away for
the final time in our relationship, leaving me at my parents’ house, I went
inside and cried on my mom’s shoulder. I cried like a baby. It’s nothing
compared to how I feel now. I remember, when I was a little girl, looking out
of the east facing bay window at night in my room and thinking I saw a tornado
headed toward our trailer. I was terrified so I ran through the house and woke
up mom to tell her of our impending danger. She explained to me that it was no
tornado, the trees formed an upside down triangle shape, much like a tornado,
and the headlights of the cars were mixing with dust from the gravel road by
the trees to give the effect of a tornado. She hugged me tight to ease my fears
then sent me back to bed. I thought I was scared then, it’s nothing compared to
how I feel now.
 |
| One of the last comments mom left me through Facebook, it is on a post about passing my tests for certification. I hope she really was proud of me. |
My mom always had a way with words,
especially the written word. If there was more money in writing, perhaps she
would have written books. I think I
received that gift from her, at least I like to think I did. When I was on a
study abroad trip in England two years ago I kept a journal about the things I
had seen and done. I typed it up and posted it through the school travel
blog. She read my posts and asked me to
be more descriptive with any future posts.
For my final post, I wrote as descriptively as I could. She read it and thanked me for helping her
feel like she was visiting there also. I
won’t have those constructive critiques any more.
 |
| Giving mom a kiss on my wedding day in 1999 |
I want to record memories of my
mom, because with time, those memories will fade and then I really will have
lost my mom forever. While our
relationship was not the best, she was my mom and I love her. It may not be in the same way that other
daughters love their moms, but it is my way and it’s the only way I know.
I am a terrible daughter. I have let too many things in my life come
before relationships with the two people who made me who I am and now I will
never have a chance to make it right with my mom. She will never be able to see
Adam or Robert grow up. She won’t be there to cheer me on when I do well on a
test, or student teaching, or teaching my first classroom. It’s all gone and
there is nothing I can do to bring her back and make it right. I cannot express how regretful I am in regard
to this. I have much pride in having few
regrets in life because I felt that if I learned a lesson from something there
was nothing to regret. My perspective on
that has changed in the blink of an eye.
I am learning lessons from losing my mom, but it cannot change the areas
I messed up with our relationship. I am
not the only one at fault, but I scoffed at advice, smirked at words of
encouragement, and was a terrible person to my own mother because I was mad and
held resentment about things from the past.
When she was trying to fix our relationship I pushed her away and it’s all
because I was being petty. At the time I
felt justified, but honestly, I was being petty. I can’t change that now. I can’t take the boys over to her apartment
one more time so she can hear Robert say “Nana” or “Papaw”. I can’t call her up and say, “Hey”. I won’t receive any more cards from her for
Mother’s Day, my birthday or Christmas.
It’s all gone in the blink of an eye and I realize how much I screwed
up.
I remember being in 5th
grade and my PawPaw (maternal grandfather) passing away. I went to the visitation, but not the funeral
because I though school was more important.
My mom supported me in my decision.
My own son has now lost his Nana in 5th grade. The parallelism of life can be so
upsetting. Not only has my oldest son
lost his Nana, and has limited memories with her, my youngest son won’t even
have memories of her because he is so young.
My sister and I share a similar age difference as my own children do and
now I am so much more empathetic to how little she knew PawPaw.
 |
| Mom and dad at my first wedding, circa 1999 |
When mom was pregnant with my
sister I remember her taking her huge red wallet and placing it on her belly. I didn’t totally believe that mom was
pregnant, so she did this to show me that my unborn sibling really did exist.
After I watched the wallet move and ruled out gas bubbles, I remember thinking
that mom had eaten the baby and the baby was trying to fight its way out, but I
don’t remember if I ever asked mom about that.
When my ex-husband broke up with me
for the final time, I was extremely upset and barely ate for days on end. As my mom loved food, seeing her own daughter
not eat was very bothersome to her. She
picked me up from work and upon getting in the van, I informed her that I was
hungry. She jumped at the chance to have me eat. She asked me where I would like to get my
food and I suggested Taco Bell. We went
through the drive through and she decided to drive down the main street in town
while I was eating so we could chat and we didn’t have to be at home for a bit. While we were going down the street, I saw my
ex-husband’s car and I lost my appetite.
She deflated when I put my food down and said I wasn’t hungry any
longer.
When I was dating my ex-husband in
high school, he had a paper that was due and asked if he could use the computer
at mom and dad’s house. Mom was typing
up the paper for him. When they went through
to proof-read the paper, they came across the word “mow” in the paper. It was supposed to be “now”. They were both so tired at that point they
read “mow” in a way that rhymed with “now” and they had fits of giggles for
quite some time. They were so loud I
came out and remember chastising them for keeping me awake on a school night.
Mom learned how to play the card
game Rummy from her dad, my PawPaw. She
taught me how to play the game and we even went to the extreme of learning how
to play Gin Rummy to spice things up a bit.
A few years after she taught me how to play, I realized that I could see
the reflection of the cards in her hand and I used that to my advantage. I cheated at the game for a few years then
randomly decided to stop doing it. I
broke down and told mom how I had cheated for so long, but had since
stopped. After that moment, mom made it
a point to hold her chin high and look under her glasses at her cards to
prevent me from cheating in the future.
Mom and I played Scrabble
occasionally, but we didn’t follow all of the rules because we would look up
words before we put them down. In one of
those instances, after a long day and game, one of us came across “ngwee”,
which is a monetary unit from Zambia and a valid scrabble word. From that point forward, when one of us
wanted to play Scrabble, we used “ngwee” instead.
I was in a program called Upward
Bound when I was in high school. It is a
program for individual who have goals of going to college, but are the first
generation to have it as a real option.
I met Danielle through the program, even though we went to the same
school and were only one year apart.
After becoming friends, Danielle had some struggles at home and tried
her best to not let it negatively affect her school and extracurricular
activities. During her senior year, my
junior year, mom invited her over to our house to fix her up for her senior
prom. While I was lucky enough to have
my hair professionally done, mom did her best to make sure Danielle felt as
pretty as possible for her senior prom.
My freshman year of high school, a
friend of mine was kicked out of her home by her parents. Mom opened our door for her to live with us
until she was able to find a more permanent place to live. We didn’t have much room or food, but she was
willing to help out a young woman who had nowhere else to go.
The same friend and I had a falling
out after she lived with us, which ended in the two of us getting into a fight
at school. While we were never caught
for fighting, I was worried that my parents would find out and I would get into
a world of trouble. After arriving home
from school the same day as the fight, I told mom about the altercation. She thanked me for being honest and did not
punish me for getting into a fight at school.
Up until that point, I had never been so relieved in my life.
 |
| Nanny, me, mom at my first wedding, circa 1999 |
These are the stories that I can
remember with as much detail as possible.
I have more notes, which I may come back and add additional details at
another time.
·
Mom taught me how to shuffle and bridge cards.
·
Mom made two of my prom dresses and the wedding
dress for my first wedding.
·
Mom and dad purchased a wooden rocking chair for
me when I was pregnant with Adam. They
were both so excited to present the chair to me. I have pictures of my reaction, because mom
was so excited to give me the chair.
·
We played hand clapping games, mostly with “Say,
say my playmate”, which has multiple variations of lyrics.
·
She adored a specific picture of me from one of
the times I went to prom. She printed it
in an 8X12 size and I caught her looking at it occasionally with a smile on her
face.
·
My freshman year of high school I played in an all-day
tennis tournament in a town about an hour away from home. I remember mom arriving to cheer me on.
·
Mom made spaghetti red and mashed potatoes for
dinner occasionally. She also made swiss
steak and mashed potatoes for dinner occasionally.
·
When I was a little girl, mom read out of a big
book of bible stores. She eventually
recorded herself on a cassette tape reading the book so I could listen to it
while following along in the book.
While looking for mom’s signature
on a letter for my memorial tattoo, I came across a wide variety of letters and
cards that mom had sent me through the years.
I realized how much I took those notes for granted and now I will never
receive one again. One of the cards she
wrote in even had a phrase about when she “is no longer of this world”. It hurt so bad to read those words in her
handwriting. It made it so real and
still so painful. I think it even
knocked the wind out of me.
After finding an appropriate
signature, I walked up to a local parlor and asked about the availability to
get my tattoo done. The gentleman at the
counter had time so I pulled out my phone and showed him the picture of the cat
I wanted tattooed then reached in my purse to pull out the letter. I broke when I asked if he could add her
signature to the cat. He asked if she
had passed and I explained it was unexpected and on May 1st. He gave his condolences and started working
on the design. I asked if it could be
done in blue instead of black, as blue was her favorite color. He said that wouldn’t be a problem. As he was prepping his work station, I asked
if he could make her signature a lighter blue than the cat and he was quick to
pull out a lighter blue and ask if it was good.
It was perfect. Every time I look
at might inner right forearm, I am reminded that through all of my shittiness
as a daughter, mom never stopped loving me.
My tattoo artist and I had a wonderful conversation and I think he was
meant to do the artwork. Of all the
people in the world who made me feel better about mom, a complete stranger put
so much into perspective. Sometimes wisdom
comes from the most unexpected places, and sometimes it is right in front of
you and you take it for granted.
 |
| My memorial tattoo for mom. I miss you. |
No comments:
Post a Comment