Back Burner

It's been a while, as usual, everything else has become more important than me.

I went to the doctor today. Not because I'm ill, but because I haven't had a wellness check up since I was in high school. And when I say wellness check up in high school, I mean I had a sports physical. The doctor said that my visit was a welcome break from seeing sick patients, as I have no chronic illnesses, no issues or concerns. I did have blood work done, so they can check things like diabetes. I sit here tonight, an hour past my bedtime, and I fret. My mom was diabetic and my dad has been borderline diabetic for two decades. Will I be next? Will I have to re-evaluate my love of sugary sodas, candy, cakes, pastries, and the like to ensure I can live a long life for my children? I do love my children more than those things, but some days those sugary bits help me cope with being a mother. I have to wait a week to get my results and I just hope that they come back in a manner that really shakes up my own relationship with food and puts me on a track to be in a better mood because I am putting better things in my body. I've been trying to do that myself for years, but as a typical mother, I put myself on the back burner. I ALWAYS start out with good intentions only to cave to the will of everyone around me. I am not asking to be diabetic, please do not think that, I am simply hoping that this is a wake up call to stop falling into the same rut because I am needed.

I think the worst thing about being a human is being taken for granted. Very rarely do we look around us and say how much we appreciate those that are close to us, because we make the assumption that they already know. When is the last time you hugged your mom or dad near and thanked them for comforting you when you were sad, or cheering you on when you did something great? It has been almost four months since I lost my mom and every day I still expect her to send me a message, or unexpectedly call me. Every single day I am disappointed. Much as I imagine she was when I didn't do the same things I am craving right now. A friend shared a post through facebook yesterday and I foolishly clicked on it. It was a post written by a mother to her oldest child, a daughter, and explained to that child how much life changed for the mother simply by having that child. There were comments in the original post that made me tear up because I imagine mom felt the same way. I know she was proud of me, she did tell me that on many occasions. I have almost always been a good student, I am the first in my family to receive a college degree (let alone two), I played tennis all throughout high school, even though I wasn't very good. For all of those things and more she told me she was proud of me. She told me I was beautiful. And yet I never felt that I was enough. I don't know why, I just know that I always have felt that I, as a human being, am wanting. I am forever trying to prove myself to someone, but I don't know who. I always have to be right. I always have to have the last word. I love having a clean house (though you can't tell any more, kids apparently do that to you when they're at home and in your face all of the time). There are few things that I actually LIKE about myself, more or less love. I struggle daily to see what my husband sees in me and because of that I have sabotaged our relationship on more than one occasion. I don't know how people can walk around on a daily basis and simply be so confident in themselves. I am terrified of the day I am standing in front of a classroom and misspeak, misinform, or misspell a word. I am not perfect, but I am a perfectionist. You have no idea how many hours I would spend cleaning my house, if I knew it had a chance of remotely surviving everyone who lives here with me. When I had a small apartment, it was always clean. Everything was put in it's place and I could easily find it. Now, I may know where something is, but after I tell someone in my house where to find it, or go find it myself, it may or may not get put pack into place. I have tried so hard to try and let it go, because it is nothing but a losing battle. I feel like I'm losing part of myself now. I try to get rid of items, but more get brought back into the house. I try to really pay attention to where money is spent and avoid trapfalls with finances so we can be comfortable and maybe even afford a second vehicle, but there are many times where it feels like I am the only one who cares.

I noticed over the summer months that more hair than usual was collecting in the drain when I showered. I realized that I was letting stress take over and it was doing terrible things to my gorgeous hair. Being that my hair is one feature that I am quite proud of, this bothered me quite a bit. I had to take a step back and look at multiple aspects of my life to try and figure out what was bothering me so much. I figured it out, adjusted, and in a matter of a week to two, there was not as much hair in the drain any more.

My mother left this world with so many projects unfinished. So many words left unsaid. So many bridges left unattended. I know that no day is guaranteed, but I want to do my best to prevent my own children feeling the way my sister and I have felt since mom passed away. I am not hoping that my blood work comes back to say I am diabetic. I am not hoping for any chronic illness. I am hoping that when the results come back, the doctor will tell me that things are looking okay, but if I don't watch it I may not be so lucky next time. Is that so bad? Is it bad that I want a doctor to tell me to stop putting myself on the back burner and do the things that give me peace? Or do I just need to be at peace with where I am?