One of these days

 One of these days, I promise I'll do better.

Who am I kidding? I don't make promises. And I'll likely not do any better.

Ugh. The last year was not the greatest and the last few months of this year were icky.

Status update #1: Still freaking legally married. We're at least on speaking terms now so we can draw up the papers ourselves, hash out some things, let a mediator check it over it and freaking file it. I'm so tired of explaining it. I'm tired of being legally bound to him and all of his drama. He's still trying to "win" me back. I don't know how else I can explain it to him. It's over. I'm still legally bound to him because I'm the one who has to start the proceedings, I'm the one taking care of the kids, I'm tired, and by the time I look at the paperwork (especially the finances), I'm completely overwhelmed. 

I had a boyfriend for a few months. I thought I would be a better person to be in a relationship this go-around. I was wrong. He felt no spark, after 7 months he told me he felt no spark. I don't know how much I believe him, because he was the one who pursued me, but it's whatever. He mentioned an ex-girlfriend about week before he broke it off, a girlfriend he had never mentioned before that day. Cool. 

Late last year (I think), I had a terrible time with my eating habits. I was famished all the time, so I ate all the time. The weight I had lost while in the hospital in 2021 came back, plus more. I now weigh more than I did when I was pregnant. I was doing okay-ish with my eating, then depression hit and it's been shit ever since. Mental health is such a bitch.

I constantly tell myself that I'm going to do better at eating, exercising, hanging out with the boys, etc. And each day I fail at all of those things. Each day I do the same shit over and over. The result continues to be the same, which I know it will, but I don't do shit to change it. I see a friend that has worked hard the last 3 years to lose weight, eat better, and take care of herself and I'm so happy for her. But, I wish I had that motivation for myself. I want to fit in my clothes, and yet I do so little to make that happen.

Well, here's hoping I can get a fire lit under my ass and do something about it.

Another year gone

Originally written Feb. 16, 2022

 It's been over a year since I posted last. Please, raise your hand if you're shocked. Oh wait, no one reads this except me, when I come back once a year. Oh well....

Anyway, I'm still legally married, but I have no desire to rekindle my marriage. He's asked a few times, especially since his world has started to crumble around him, to get back together. I've declined every time. What's the point of even pretending anything is different? Why get back together with someone who wasn't the right person for me, but I tried to make the right person? Why squash someone's spirit when you don't want your own squashed? I've seen my fair share of couples who do not dampen the spirit of the person they're with and if I ever find someone that I want to be with, I hope the same happens for us. I do not wish to ever be married again. Two failed marriages is enough for me. I wanted so badly to fix the person I was with, but I ended up just breaking myself, and them, a little more. 

Perhaps I am meant to be without a partner for the remainder of my days. Perhaps I am more Bohemian than I realized. I do know that traveling to England 7 years ago ignited a wanderlust that is appeased by travel to new places. Since going to England, I've gone to Arkansas, Oklahoma, Kansas, and Colorado. This year is shaping up to be a big travel year, if all goes well. In March I will be traveling to Seattle, WA. It's a dream 12 years in the making. My original honeymoon was supposed to be to Seattle, but it was all cancelled (by me) when legal troubles reared their ugly head to my betrothed. Maybe I should have taken that as a red flag. Maybe this trip will end up being the full circle moment I really need to finally sever the ties that bind and quit dragging out this awful ending to a marriage. Maybe it will squelch some of my wanderlust. In May, I will be going to Madison, WI to visit my good friend Lacey for a weekend. The boys and I will return later in the summer to visit also. Then, the other big trip for the year, if it can be planned out, will be to Virginia to see Karen and Chuck with a stop in Indianapolis along the way. Fingers crossed we can make the trip.

I really should put more effort into writing. Not to write a book, but to help me purge some of the overwhelming emotions I feel sometimes. I've been so busy in the last year that I got too overwhelmed. It could have killed me. I got COVID-19 in late August of 2021, which ended up putting me in the hospital with a bout of pneumonia on top of the COVID diagnosis. I was there for 7 days. Seven long, grueling, never-ending days. Seven days without hugging my boys. Seven days with limited contact. Seven days, most of which, I couldn't breathe without coughing. I couldn't sit up without coughing. I couldn't go to the bathroom without feeling like my lungs were going to explode out of my chest, because I couldn't quit coughing.