As a non-believer in a sea of believers, I have struggled for years on how to express my views on religion. It has never been my cup of tea, but I try my best to respect the views of those who believe. I wish the same courtesy was given to people like me. Instead of respect, we are told that we are in the wrong and that those who have religion are the only ones who "know the truth".
Now, let me add a caveat to that statement, I have met some wonderful people in my life that hold religious beliefs and have never (or almost never) tried to change mine. They see me as a good person, not a soul to be saved. To those people, I extend my greatest appreciation. Thank you for treating me with respect and honoring my path in life.With all of that said, I want to share a little bit about myself after finishing a book. The book is called "Living the Secular Life" by Phil Zuckerman. This book has helped me sort through the jumble of confusion that has been in my brain for years. As I look back at my youth, I realized that while I attended church and went through the motions of being a "good Christian", I was literally just putting on a show because I wanted to avoid conflict with my family. I do not remember any moment of my youth where I knew there was a deity above (or below) that would save me from this world and all of it's ugliness. I do not remember feeling the presence of any deity with me during the most painful moments of my life (in my youth or beyond). I do remember offering up prayers for the most trivial things when I was young as a way to test the validity of any deity. I also remember realizing the hypocrisy within every church I attended. (And boy did that frustrate me to no end.) I do remember the kindness of church members when my parents fell on hard times (which was the majority of my life). However, I don't know the motivation behind that kindness. Were they looking to secure a position in their version of heaven or were they genuinely good people? I will likely never know, because they have probably passed away.
While reading "Living the Secular Life" I have realized that the path I'm on in terms of a lack of religion is precisely where I need to be. While growing up, we are all exposed to the things our parents hold dear to them. For my mother, she held her religion close to her heart, though she was terrible at practicing it. If you are someone who believes in the seven deadly sins, she was guilty of gluttony. She was guilty of it in spades. She was gluttonous with food, money, and attention. She was not a good person, from my perspective. And if you think I'm being harsh, just ask my sister how awful she was. Our mother put on a good facade for people outside of our house. I remember people talking about how good of a person she was when we had her memorial service. I was taken aback at how well she fooled them all. She had a decent turn out for her memorial, even if her public persona was built on lies. And that, ladies and gentlemen, was my introduction to religion. Do as I say, not as I do.
My Dad, on the other hand, was not outspoken about any religious tendencies. Heck, I only found out about some of them after he passed away. He had a daily devotional he read. I still have it, bookmarked for the last day he read it. Not once did he shout from the rooftops how wonderful his religion was, nor did he make me feel like less of a person because I decided to follow my own path. He lived a life of humility, kindness, and care. I know the years before he pursued and eventually married my mother were likely very different, but the Dad I grew up with was a kind, caring, and loving person. He is what I aspire to be in terms of passing good from me to my children. Had I realized any of his religious leanings, perhaps my path would have been different. But I choose to take the good qualities of his personality and keep his memory alive through them. When it came to his memorial, there were few in attendance and hardly anyone said anything about him. And yet, he was the better of the two. Make that make sense.
The churches I attended in my youth were a mixed bag for me. I remember being upset that I had to attend (especially in my teen years when I realized everything I didn't like about the church), disliking the people preaching that my parents needed to tithe a certain percentage of our VERY limited funds, while we could barely feed ourselves, and the singing. Oh how I hated the singing. Now, I realize it's because the type of music played at churches is just not the kind of music that makes me happy, but back then I had not experienced Alternative, Grunge, or Metal music. It was just praise and worship music, which was performed by people who thought they were at sold out concert venues. There were positive aspects for me, like the limited socialization, the time to sit and think about things (usually during the sermon and I was thinking about the hypocrisy, but ya know...) and the time I was away from my mother, be it Sunday school or Wednesday night "kids" church. It was a break away from her. So, overall, it wasn't a super positive experience for me.
Then there was my first marriage. Yeesh. I married my high school sweetheart about a week or two after I graduated high school. At the time I was excited, but looking back, it was so foolish that I was married so young. For anyone who wasn't around during that time, I was accepted to Kansas State University starting in the fall of 1999, which was beyond exciting for me. I thought my high school boyfriend was the love of my life and I didn't want to leave him behind, so we talked about moving to Kansas together. My mother caught wind of our "plan" and demanded that we marry before moving 4+ hours away. She told us that "living in sin" was against the will of God and that no daughter of hers would be doing that. So, because we were young and listened to her, we got married before we moved. I was happy for a VERY brief time. We ended up living on our hometown for a few months before moving to Kansas and we had many fights. We just weren't meant to be, but again, we were young and didn't know any better. I remember one fight where he was leaving (because he did that a lot) to hang out with his friends and I begged him to stay home with me. He refused and started walking down the stairs to our door to leave. I had a hairbrush in my hand and I threw it after him in my absolute frustration that I was (again) being left at home and forgotten. The brush didn't hit him as we had a tarp over the access point to the stairs to keep the AC in the living areas of the apartment. But this was less than 2 months into our marriage. Had we lived together before getting married, I believe we never would have gotten married. So, yet another strike against religion for me.
There are many other stories, but I don't want to get into them. I just know, that at this point in my life, religion is not for me. It likely won't ever be for me. For many years, I said that I was agnostic with Buddhist tendencies. But after some self reflection, I'd have to say I'm likely categorized as an atheist. Sadly, the word has such a negative stigma surrounding it. It literally means without belief in a god. That's it. I'm not a devil worshiper, I just don't believe in any deities. Although, some people who only know me at a surface level, may think I am a devil worshiper based on my music tastes, clothing choices, and home decor. LOL! But, I can assure you, I do not worship the devil. I don't believe in him either. * shrug *
What I do believe in, though, is myself, my family, and my friends. I do not find comfort in "letting go and letting God". Am I a bit of a control freak? Yeah, probably. And maybe that's part of my problem with religion. I do know that when I've failed at something, I have taken blame for my part in the failure. Not every failure is entirely my fault, but I do hold a key to a portion of that failing. I also know that the majority of my successes are mine. There are people who helped me along the way, but when it comes to those successes, I will not give the credit to a deity. I will give the credit to those who where there during the trials.
I'm sure that many of my religious friends will point out that "god was there during those times". And maybe you feel that's true for you, however, I don't believe it. That's the thing about belief. We all believe in different things, in different ways, at different times. There are people in this world who receive great comfort in their belief. And I am happy for them. They found something that works for them. The problem comes, from my perspective, when any of those people try to force their beliefs on me. I am not a soul to be saved, a notch in your religious belt of souls. I am a human who has experienced a different life from you and I find zero comfort in "serving" the same deity as you.
Did you know that my oldest son was bullied in elementary school because he stood up for himself and said he didn't believe in god? Did you know that when he was in middle school, his history class looked at the general tenants of the 3 major religions on the world and then took a vote on which one they'd follow based on the bare bones of the religion? They did, as an entire class. He was the only one who didn't choose Christianity and was chastised by his classmates. He argued his point, from a logical standpoint and was still told he was wrong by his classmates. Thankfully, his teacher let him speak his peace and did not chastise him. I do not remember how the teacher handled the other students treating my son in such a way, but it must not have been terrible or I'm sure it would be in this post. With all the legislation being passed forcing Christian values on children, I fear for my youngest son and others like him, who do not blindly follow a religion.
When it comes to my own children, I have not kept them away from Christianity. They have attended church services with family members and if they've shown an interest in any religion, I have done my best to share what I know about it along with doing research to give them more information. Which, weirdly, is what many secular parents do for their children, according to the research presented in "Living the Secular Life". I do not shy away from religious discussions or ideals. If I'm somewhat versed in a religion and the boys ask questions, we have a discussion. I also promote their exploration of things they are interested in. Just because I feel a certain way, does not mean I require my children to feel the same. I think this is a far cry from my own mother, but I digress. I want my children to make their own choices and I will support them, because that is what a loving parent does.
