Sometimes, the truth hurts....... a lot.

                Never in a million years would I have imagined that my life and relationship would turn out to be like it is both the good and the bad. I have had some time to think about some things that have happened and I am coming to peace with the decisions that I have made in regard to the wedding that was supposed to take place in a month. God, in a month I would have been married again. That’s an unreal thought.

                I love that my friends care about me and love me as much as they do. I hate that he screwed up so much that they have nothing positive to say about, or to him. I hate that, as usual, I am stuck in the middle of an uncomfortable situation. I hate confrontation, yet that seems to be all I can cause in one way or another. It is hard upholding my decisions when I want to simply cave and give everyone what they want. When did everyone’s wants and desires become the foundation for my decisions? At what point did I decide that what everyone thinks is more important than what I think?

                Well, here’s what I think:

• 1.       We all make mistakes, some more than others. That means that some of us need to work harder to prove that the mistakes won’t happen, and should have never happened.
• 2.       Some “friends” aren’t worth keeping, while others are a solid foundation for lifelong friendships. Only you can decide who those friends are and how to weed out the ones that aren’t worthwhile.
• 3.       No one should make your decisions for you if you are of sound mind (and possibly body). Only you know what is in your heart, no matter how much someone says they know you. NO ONE KNOWS YOU BETTER THAN YOU DO! You have lived with yourself your entire life.
• 4.       I will marry him. When he proposed I answered the first time with, “eventually”. It took me four months to turn the “eventually” into a “yes”. It will take us time to get it right, and fix mistakes we have both made.
• 5.       He is not the only one at fault in this. I shoulder part of the blame also. No one is perfect, least of all me. I am a part of the problem and I will be part of the solution. If you don’t like my choices, then you can voice them, but it doesn’t mean I’ll listen. We will go to counseling to get some of our issues worked out, because neither one of us is great at communicating with the other. We’re better than we were, but we have a long way to go.
• 6.       I am not staying with him for our child. I love him so intensely that it hurts. I cannot imagine not having him in my life. I have lied without him by my side and while I survived, a piece of me was missing the entire time. When he is gone, that piece leaves with him. The time I spent without him at the end of 2010 and the beginning of 2011 was so difficult. I cried myself to sleep almost every night. Did anyone know that? It sucked, not simply because it was hard, but because a piece of me was in a place that I couldn’t reach. Talking to him on the phone was so hard, as was reading his letters. I was excited every time I got a letter and cried every time I read it. I cry just thinking about it. I don’t know how to explain my love for him. It’s like nothing I have ever felt for anyone in my life.

Just like I don’t know what goes on behind closed doors, neither do you. I may air my grievances sometimes, but that does not constitute the entirety of our relationship. I take too many opportunities to air my negative business with him in public and don’t spend enough time appreciating him in public. I also don’t tell him the little things he does that make me happy. I am a negative person who tries to be a positive person and sometimes it doesn’t go so well. Actually it doesn’t go so well much of the time. I refuse to allow my negative nature to rule my life. If I were negative all of the time I wouldn’t be able to appreciate anything positive in my life and that is no way to live.

        With all of that being said, please don’t judge our relationship any more than you already have, and if you do, please don’t make either of us feel guilty for loving one another. In the grand scheme of things we could both have it much worse. He could be with someone who has no backbone and refuses to help him be a better person, and I could be with someone who constantly makes me feel like shit, or worse yet, physically or mentally harms me. I want him to be the man I see inside of him, and I will do my best to be strong and help him see that man too.